Lately I've noticed how mad i am.  at everything.

on the other hand.  Working at macy's is easy, it's just the girls that constantly gossip that kind of bother me.  I've been having transmission problems with my car and it's getting progressively worse.  the fun thing about volkswagen's is that they require more money to be worked on because of being german made.  If i have to replace my transmission it wont be worth it because it's half the value of my car.  school has been hard.  I got a good video from my sociology teacher.  he gave me money to buy some dvd's and im goign to make him copies.  i get to keep one.  its a documentary about how the fox news channel is the exact opposite of what it says it is: "Fair & Balanced"  if you want to check it out let me know. 

Tonight i hung out with Anthony.  he made me realize how negative i am.  Everytime i put someone or something around me down he said: "your so angry"  It made me think.  So we saw SAW.  It was similar to seven but the end was a little bit different.  I would reccomend it though.  Anthony's a funny guy.  We should get together more. 

thats all for now.  goodnight.

Started macy's tonight.  They have a very unorganized business when it somes to schedules and management.  So tongiht i mostly talked to the other co-workers, put tags on shirts and put stuff in other fitting rooms for otehr people to put away.  Pretty easy.  I'm glad i've got this easy job.  Plus i get off of work half an hour earlier on school nights.  One reason why im done with my homework. 

My last day at orange Julius will be saturday.  Two and a half week notice. :  at least my next paychecks will bring me a good amount of money i can keep. and maybe even save? 

Well Juan wants to talk to me.  I takled to brittany.  Nadine and i are cool mainly because i didnt really say anything about her.  So today i got a cupcake in my car from her.  It came with a plastic spider ring.  I thought it was nice.

I'm hungry.  cereal?

-Goodnight

my grandmaw made a dvd of a whole bunch of footage from my childhood.  She sent it to me and i got it today.  I never knew ther was footage of my dad and i together, i dont even have a recording of him in any form.

When i heard his voice i starting crying hysterically.  i could barely help it.  I've been erasing every memory of him for 5 years and now i see him playing with me and hugging me and kissing me and i cant bare to look at it or hear it.

i miss him.

Last Night i left work around 10:15 and went to Derick's house. (Derick is a friend of juan's)  So i got there and derick and nadine and someother dude decided to leave to get food.  Juan and Brittany stayed there.  While we were waiting we started talking about a bunch of stuff and they couldn't even follow me.  They were too high.  And then when everyone came back and they were eating i didnt say anything. about five minutes passed and i just left.  I noticed that i cant stand them.  They aren't intelligent at all.  All they do is smoke weed every chance thy get.  It eems that the chance presents itself entirely too much.  I was crying when i left.  It was hard, but without this i'll just show how weak i am.  I can't be around these people that encourge me to waste my life. 

It feels like im moving on with my life and they are just staying the same.  I really wish i could bring them with me, and change them but they wont ever change.

As you grow up you have to find friends that you can be on the same level with.  It's time for me to find them.

I've got a word or two
To say about the things that you do
You're telling all those lies
About the good things that we can have
If we close our eyes

Do what you want to do
And go where you're going to
Think for yourself
Cos I won't be there with you

I guess jenna isnt a friend of mine anymore.  Beacuse her stupid little outburst about her friends that need a reality check.  Look, it's me, the one who said it.  yeah i said it.  i dont like people who are obnoxious.  people who have no reality except their reality.  I can't wait untill they all see that their mommies and daddies aren't going to pay for their stupid hot topic clothes, and they realize that they have to get a job.  I can't wait until they see why i matured so much.  not to say im mature completely, but i sure as hell have changed over the past 3 years.  but some people get to have a nice life, with nothing wrong in it.  with nothing that makes them feel bad.  without stress, and cares.  i really wish i could have had a life like that.  But at least my life hasn't blinded me.  At least i  KNOW how to work for what i want.

I read the news today oh boy
About a lucky man who made the grade
And though the news was rather sad
Well I just had to laugh
I saw the photograph
He blew his mind out in a car
He didn't notice that the lights had changed
A crowd of people stood and stared
They'd seen his face before
Nobody was really sure
If he was from the House of Lords

Josh isnt my type.  im going to tell him that.  why deny it and then hurt him even more when i cant even stand to look at him in a week.  i don't think relationships work for me.  I like being single.  i like having that freedom, and i dont like the stress and work of relationships. 

i've been pissed off, stressed out, and in a total bad mood for the past few days.  School is hard.  theres no way im going to keep a 3.0 this year.  there's no way im going to enjoy this year with all of this work.  i feel like im on this rush all the time.  im never home anymore.  im never calm. 

im so fucking nervous and stressed i cant even enjoy anything anymore. 

I fucking hate this. 

Tonight was nice.

his name is Josh.  he's the manager of John T's, which is next to where i work.  and he has been coming over to my work almost every time im working for the past two weeks.  Tonight he asked me to go to the hooka lounge with him after work.  so i did. and we got along so well.  we talked for so long.  and i tried mango tobacco from a hooka, it tasted so good.  i left my car at the mall so we went back there, and i wanted to kiss him when i got out of the car, but he didnt make a move and i didnt know what he was thinking so i didn't.  whatever.  maybe next time. 

he's great.

last night i stayed at brittany's.  and i passed out around 2.  there were about 5 other people there, then other people showed up that i didnt know.  a mexican guy approached me and said "i have a BMW."  so i said.  "alright." then he said "yeah...a Big Mexican Wiener." so i got up and went into the other room.  The funny thing was, he actually had a piece of shit car.

so here i am.  I'm anxious to see Josh tommorrow.  hopefully we can do something after work.  but now im going to do homework.  goodnight.