Josh isnt my type.  im going to tell him that.  why deny it and then hurt him even more when i cant even stand to look at him in a week.  i don't think relationships work for me.  I like being single.  i like having that freedom, and i dont like the stress and work of relationships. 

i've been pissed off, stressed out, and in a total bad mood for the past few days.  School is hard.  theres no way im going to keep a 3.0 this year.  there's no way im going to enjoy this year with all of this work.  i feel like im on this rush all the time.  im never home anymore.  im never calm. 

im so fucking nervous and stressed i cant even enjoy anything anymore. 

I fucking hate this. 

 

Tonight was nice.

his name is Josh.  he's the manager of John T's, which is next to where i work.  and he has been coming over to my work almost every time im working for the past two weeks.  Tonight he asked me to go to the hooka lounge with him after work.  so i did. and we got along so well.  we talked for so long.  and i tried mango tobacco from a hooka, it tasted so good.  i left my car at the mall so we went back there, and i wanted to kiss him when i got out of the car, but he didnt make a move and i didnt know what he was thinking so i didn't.  whatever.  maybe next time. 

he's great.

last night i stayed at brittany's.  and i passed out around 2.  there were about 5 other people there, then other people showed up that i didnt know.  a mexican guy approached me and said "i have a BMW."  so i said.  "alright." then he said "yeah...a Big Mexican Wiener." so i got up and went into the other room.  The funny thing was, he actually had a piece of shit car.

so here i am.  I'm anxious to see Josh tommorrow.  hopefully we can do something after work.  but now im going to do homework.  goodnight.

Nadine is going to oak grove monday.

Swimming starts tuesday.

Brittney is joining the swim team.

my mom is upset with me.

what movie should i see tonight?

 

i just found out that someone that i care about doesnt care about me at all.  even if its just a friend, that still kind of hurts.

On a better note.  i had a good weekend.  i didnt even sleep in my own bed until 2 pm today, since thursday night that is.  after work on friday picked up Ali and went to doug's.  After i told my mom i was staying at britt's i went to and get some clothes.  Juan, Doug, Brittney, other folkes and I chilled there until 5 when everyone left except for me and Niko.  I woke up and left around 10, cleaned my room then went to work.  After work i bought a shirt and went home.  I went to juan's around 7 and we went to the dance from 8 to 11.  after we picked up nadine and went back to doug's, Ali and his friends showed up and they smoked but nadine an i rolled to jack in the box.  I really liked hanging out with her.  After we got back it was just doug, nadine, juan, britt, niko, chuck, and myself.  we all sat int he living room and talked for about 2 hours.  but i was asleep one of those hours.  so they kept trying to wake me up.  it didnt work.  when i came to this morning i noticed that mycold symptoms from the past 2 days had gotten about 5 times worse.  so around 12 nadine and i went to the mall, and i asked my boss for the day off. nope, nobody could cover me.   but they DID give me an hour off.  whatever. so nadine and i ate panda then i took her home.  I came home and napped then went to work from 5 to 8.  it sucked.  then after work i went to juans for about 30 minutes and we talked then i got cold and came home.  here i am.

i wrote a poem for english.  the requirements of the poem were; has to be about a transformation into an inanimate object.

here we go:

I walk along with all my friends

We laugh, joke, and run

But then my arm begins to bend

And suddenly this isn’t fun

My friends step back and stare at me

I feel as though Im falling

I grab a tree as my legs become weak

But my toes seem to be crawling

I can’t control my feet now

They are burrowing themselves in the dirt

My skin is trembling and my legs feel grounded

But this doesn’t even hurt.

My arms extend all by themselves.

And now my body is growing.

By now im planted in the ground

And my leaves are definetly showing.

Here I am another tree at the park.

What am I going to do?!

I’ll have to grow in the park I love,

And live twice as long as you!

the vocab sucks but its cool.

hay, this nyquil's kicking in.  goodnight.

fuck this.

I'm thinking that im goign to the dance this wekend and nadine is coming with me..so i call her and she's like "oh i just got grounded today so i cant do anything this weekend." fuck this. were 17 were 18 and these people cant do anything. fuck this seniority, theres nothing that makes me feel like i have freedom but my car.  my parents fucking wont let me stay out one minute past 9:30 on a school night.  they know i start school late and that im not in bed until 12:30, and they know that i get my homework done when i get off of school.  yet they insist on having this curfew, and they love it.  i call and ask to stay out 30 minutes later and my mom doesnt even listen to my sentence before she says No in this stern loud voice.  usually she never yells on the phone, but then i got home to find dave on the couch.  She always changes her attitude around him, becuase i know that he is there to see if she says yes, and then if she does let me stay out he bitches, saying i get too much freedom.  yeah 10 pm on a school ngiht. so riskay!  all of my friends have 10 or 11 o'clock curfew's. fuck them, dave has to have things his way or he's pissed.  fuck him.  he has got to be the biggest asshole of a dad i've ever had to deal with.  i'll just have to stay the night at doug's saturday night after the dance and drink and not havea  curfew. 

i felt like bitching.  im in one of those bad moods that last about 15 minutes.

after work i was driving home and i felt strange.

the past 5 weeks have been nonstop fun for me.  i have been with my friends almost every day.  I dont even think i can name more than 2reasons why i feel so lonesome.  but i do.  I want to kiss someone,  and i want it to feel like it used to; with those little butterflies and that giddy feeling afterward.  But im not attracted to anyone.  maybe thats why it feels different this time..  ususally i can find someone all of the time that im attracted to.  But im realizing that alot of relatio ships arent worth it.  i dont like the same people i used to. infact i dont even know what i like in a guy anymore.

having a relationship used to be something that was common for me.  but i havent felt an attraction toward someone in almost a year. 

I Should quit worrying.  i should calm down, slow down, and let myself fall into something. and if that doesnt happen, i can always go hang out with those friends that im obviously not appreciating.

change is one of the hardest things to accept.  thats why there should be more of it.

Yesterday was the first day of school.  i have hard classes and this year is going to blow. maybe.

but having a 5 period day is alot nicer. after school i went to wal-mart and picked up some shit for school, then i went home and did homework.  After i ate i went out with Brittney and Juan.  We chilled at the park, then back to britt's to smoke with Rizz, then we went to 711 for candy.  i got home round nine and just did more homework, organized shit for school, and went to sleep around 11:30.  pretty boring.

Today my classes went by alot faster beacuse the same thing wasn't happening in all of them.  After school i worked until 6 then i met up with Juan and Brittney and Rizz again.  i got home a while ago and i read a short story for english.  and here i am.  talking to you.  your a loser.

well, now im going to sleep.  go0dnight.

-linz

Hey Look!  It's 2:30 AM

and im Bored!

school starts a week from today.

i want to begin another year but i dont want to be bogged down with swimming and work after school.  but im glad i'm preparing myself for what college is going to be like.  with all the free time i wont have and such.  i ahve the following schedule:

2.government/economics  3.sociology   4.english-4   5.physiology  6. algebra-2

( i have to repeat algebra because im lame )

so today i went to school at 1 for my parking space and waited in line for an hour, but alas, i've got spot # 70 which is cool.  then i went to the mall and looked for some clothes. unsuccessful.  so maybe i'll go to goodwill tommorrow and check the pants there.  mervyn's or marshals might have something cheaper than 40$ for jeans.  anyways.  i went to work at 5 and i had to close the front with kaylie who has never closed the back before.  it was really stressful.  norm was there tohelp me, but he wont be there thursday. 

i hope to get into a relationship when i start school.  i want to meet someone new.  or something.  i'm really unsure about it.  but i do know i want something that im really comfortable in and actually happy.  i have wound up in too many bad realtionships. we'll see.

nadine still hasnt turned in her copy of her birth certificate and soc. security card.  so now she might not get the job with me.  i dont want her to take the job unless she really wants it, and i don't think she does..i don't blame her. it sucks there.  im gone in a few months i think.

well i'll catch you cats later.

-linz

 

 

as long as i stay the way that i am right now im never going to mature. 

it's time for some changes.