December 23, 2003

  • He ended it.


    I talked to him online. the first time i talked to him in weeks and he just told me he didn't want to deal with the "drama" and i cried so much. and i feel so horrible. i just wanted him to hold me like he has on so few occassions.  but he wont.  he wont make me feel any different than any other person who i've fallen in love with.  i would ask for my neclace back but i don't even know if i have the courage to ask him.  i still want him to have it because it still holds it's meaning.  an once again i left my heart vulnerable and open and once again all my hopes get ruined.  he told me it's not permanent.  that he still 'loves' me.  if he loved me he would understand that his mom didn't find out through me. but he'll never ever beleive me. and he'll never understand how i felt when i hurt him.  i've got this wheight in my stomach now. and it won't go away.  it makes me feel so much heavier.  i think it's my heart.  he want's to continue everything in a year.  but i know he wont feel the same in a year. i dont even know if i'll feel the same in a year.  i wanted this to work so badly, i wanted this to be so different, and it wont be.  how can i resume everything like it was after all this.  he can't imagine how he's hurt me. infact i'd be suprised if he cared.


    i wonder how many times i can take this.  i wish i had never moved here.