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I feel weird. Kind of numb.

I'm feeling alone.  hopefully everything get's better after i go back to school tommorrow and see people and talk to them.  at least i hope i feel better after that.  Finals are coming up.  i'll do well in four classses.  the other two are only the most important. hell yeah.

I went to go see Big Fish yesterday with Phil and we got there 5 minutes after it sold out.  so we wakled around and got food. i saw these boots that were 4 1/2 inch platforms with buckles that go all the way to my knees. Going to cash last paycheks from the deli and buy them.

i cant type. my fingers are too cold

byebye.

You represent... angst.
You have an extremely cynical outlook on just about everything.  It's okay to sulk and be depressed, but life is short, and you only get one.  It's only what you make it, and only you can make it improve.

jenna and i changed our journals a tad.

woot.

The whole Family (including me) went to SEARS today and took portraits.  I asked Dave to make the biggest picture deaturated because i think pictures of certain things look best when they haven't any color. So he did.  

Later i ended up watching the CSI dvd's we're borrowing, and after that we took Jennifer, Jamie, and Scott to the airport to go back alaBAMA.  hehe.

After i came home i fucked around with my computer and added some files, then i messed with my journal layouts on both accounts.  And i like my product.  input anybody?

that's all. Goodnight. Goodbye.

Phil's Haircut

No, im not going to say "happy new Year" because im not in the mood for that shit.  although i had a badass time last night at the party i was debating yesterday.  Nadine and i had so much fun and met so many people, many of them i probbly wouldnt talk to ever again because they aren't the type of people i'd make friends with, but i still enjoyed myself. and im glad about that. :]

We went to Jack and the Box and i had fish and chips and it was fucking good and i want  some more of it.  i havent seen so many people fuck with shit at a party.  but if someone doesnt want that to happen then you shouldnt have a party at a very nice house.  people were barfing on stuff,sex in thebedrooms, broken bottles , pepper spray, and two fights i think.  maybe not a lot of stuff happened but it was kind of crazy, that's a party for ya.  simply why i dont do that much.  the whole night i was thinking of jeff and how i miss him so much. 

im depressed though. i really don't know why.  just feel down. and lonely and well hahaha. like i always feel.  anyways.  fuck you. 

the past few day have been pretty boring and now it's new year's eve and i might be going to a partty tonight, but im not sure. i dont know if i really want to. we'll folkes we'll have to see.

i got the ring i've been wanting and i like it.  it's got writing on the side of it. although you cant see it.

so other than that.  everything has been ok. i did something last night i probably shouldnt have but i enjoyed myself for the most part and im even thinking of doing it again. yay for me.

i have a meeting for my history group that's going to be held at my house today.  so i guess i better clean my room some so theycan walk through it.

goodbye

-Help me understand why
You've given in to all these
Reckless dark desires-

 Christmas came up quick and i enjoyed it.  I got what i wanted and more. 

i asked for:

1. a computer


2. family guy dvds


3. a scarf

i recieved:

1. a computer


2. a flat panel monitor


3. a printer


4. family guy dvds


5. an mp3 player


6. a scarf


7. gift cards to Jamba Juice, Da Cozy, Mervyns, & Century Theaters


8. 75 dollars


9. Two Towers special edition dvd boxed set


10. a Porcelian Fairy (very pretty)


11. Socks


12. Candy


13. ...i think that's it.

yeah so.....im not asking for anything for a long while.  if i need anything i should realize that i should be working.

even though i've gotten all of this stuff im still sad inside.  i cant bring myself to be really happy. i just need to get jeff off my mind and realize i can't do anything about it. *sigh*

I have to get up early tommorrow to go to San Fransisco with the family.  My grandmaw leaves sunday and i wont see her for another 6 months after that. Im sure we'll take a lot of pictures there and i cant put them in the album we got her.  I think we are going to fisherman's wharf and while were there i might get that LoTR ring i want.  The replica.  I know it's dumb but i want it anyway. and then i'll put it on and pretend im invisible.

Jenna is in Las Vegas.  I hope shes having fuNnN.  She said she was going to buy me something but she already got the Abortions tickle shirt HAHAHA. that thing is the fucking BEst.  So i hope she doesnt get me something nice, maybe like a stupid pen that says Las Vegas on it with stupid chiks in bikinis and tacky shit all over it.  those pens thats sold in trader stores. whatever. :]

i Feel like typing alot. i love this keyboard. the keys are so easy to press, and it's so quiet.  so i can sit ehre and not wake up my grandmaw while shes 3 feet from me sleeping.  UNLIKE my OTHER computer.....which i still need to transfer the programs and files off of.

this is getting to be along post though. so i'll end it.

fuck you

He ended it.

I talked to him online. the first time i talked to him in weeks and he just told me he didn't want to deal with the "drama" and i cried so much. and i feel so horrible. i just wanted him to hold me like he has on so few occassions.  but he wont.  he wont make me feel any different than any other person who i've fallen in love with.  i would ask for my neclace back but i don't even know if i have the courage to ask him.  i still want him to have it because it still holds it's meaning.  an once again i left my heart vulnerable and open and once again all my hopes get ruined.  he told me it's not permanent.  that he still 'loves' me.  if he loved me he would understand that his mom didn't find out through me. but he'll never ever beleive me. and he'll never understand how i felt when i hurt him.  i've got this wheight in my stomach now. and it won't go away.  it makes me feel so much heavier.  i think it's my heart.  he want's to continue everything in a year.  but i know he wont feel the same in a year. i dont even know if i'll feel the same in a year.  i wanted this to work so badly, i wanted this to be so different, and it wont be.  how can i resume everything like it was after all this.  he can't imagine how he's hurt me. infact i'd be suprised if he cared.

i wonder how many times i can take this.  i wish i had never moved here.                                                         

I have been buying presents for e v e r y o n e. and i thought my present for jenna was so cool. and everything and then today she told me that the webcam doesnt work on her computer and it makes it act all weird and makes it restart.  im so mad.  i dont even have the receipt so i cant take it back! grrrrrr.  i feeel so horrible. :[  i hope the isn't a foreshadowing of what this whole holiday will be like.  i already have enough school to worry about and tend with over these two weeks. 

I had jenna stay the night last night. And we watched Pee-Wee's big adventure.  Then later we got high with Phila nd we came back and phil freaking passed out on my bed and acted all dumband me and jen watched Hedwig and the Angry Inch.  It was soo good. i mean a tad weird in some parts but overall it was cool.  Then we went to sleep around 11 and when we got up i had to take her home not long after, and Dave and I went shopping for my mom.  the same fucking person who is btiching at me for a rom not being clean enough when i have a fuckig small ass room i dont have a closet big enough to put it all someplace. i fucking hate her sometimes.  she doesn't make any sense what-so-ever.  fucking dipshit.

My Grandmaw is going to be here tommorrow.  i'm going to have relenquish my computer activities after she sleeps each night. *sigh*  fuck all of that.  I'm happy shes going to be here but im funny about people staying in my room with me. they have to be a friend or soemthing. my mom was sad as hell one night when her and dave were fighting, and asked to sleep in my room i said NOPE. whatever.  lately everything pisses me off. but that's becoming normal.  it's not even lately anymore, it's been a long while since i've really been happy.

I had my fucking hat taken away byt he people at school. they took it right before the two week winter break. fucking bastards.

I just stopped in mid-post and wrapped 13 gifts and cleaned my room some more.  now it's 12 pm and im listening to the Beatles. nice.  i Am kind of tired though, so i think im going to sleep soon.

Goodnight.

alright.  So i'm depressed.  I havent talked to Jeff in a week. and i sit with Alex everyday and it makes me feel like shit, but i do it anyways because he makes me feel like he cares about me. which i know that he does, just not like the "relationship" type care. whatever.

I found out i have a fucking D in Chemistry.  I'm fucking pissed, i do well for weeks and my grade goes up 3 points, then i dont turn 2 things in and 4 points are deducted. I brought my english grade up to an 83%. but i can only improve that. I should have A's in most of my classes.

I just tried to call Jeff. and he didn't answer his phone. like he never does anymore. im starting to think that maybe this is better. im not thinking about im at school anymore, just thinking of himfor those 20 mins that i try to call an spend the other 19 thinking about how i miss him and such.

Today jenna put a picture in our notebook of a man's penis that had about three horrible peircing on it.  She showed it to about 40 people and they all had about the same reaction to it. i thought it was funny as hell. oh well.  I had to copy all of my history homework at lunch.  i was glad i turned that in, my grade was about to slip to a B and turning in work wont let that happen.

So Phil and i got high tonight. i enjoyed it for the most part. crap, i havent done my homework for math yet. oh man, good job, i wonder if he'll collect the folders tommorrow anyways?  i'll just do what i can in english and the first part of the period.

I'm so sad and depressed i cant even concentrate anymore.

I've followed links throug craig's journal and found other one's. i never knew so many people i knew were into Xanga.  i'm feeling naive right about now. haha.

so i didn't really do anything this weekend.  i shopped for people and i've got everything except Phil's little sis, Alyssa and my mom. My mom is the only person who takes me shopping anyway, so i'll have to make special plans to get hers.  whatev.  wow so it doesn't feel like christmas at all.  i don't get that feeling like i used to when i was small. well i guess i AM 16. haha. and a complete moron mind you.

I was talking to some people lately.  i liked the whole talking to people other than phil, matt, and jeph online. no ofense to Phil, Matt, or Jeph, but i've found that im bored with my surrent scenario. 

I wrote 100 sentences in Spanish this weekend. Fuck ever doing anything even related to that ever again. :]

Im listening to Cake, and so should you. alright. goodbye.

currently playing: Cake | Daria